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SHOOTER'S DREAM

On and on, fantasy murders your lullaby. © David Kong 2004-2006

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Location: United States

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Monday, October 25, 2004

Scene 20



Rainy morning but sunny day with clouds, this interesting transforming complex gave me a kind of shudder. It’s noon now. I ate spaghetti without cheese, listened to my own recording, finding faults, contended, then switched to Stina’s new album. It was mysterious getting to know her works, even more so continuing to like them. This time she is not as ambitious in style as in 2002, removing a lot of industrial guitar cliffs, yet the sadness is ubiquitous.

I found my colleagues in the kitchen having lunch and figured it is raining again outside. Yak! It rains alternatively in Singapore and here. Seems like some chasing is going on. I looked at my watch to find the date. Two months. Two months already?! Tow months only?! What kind of comment should I give to this time span, considering all that has happened? Short, long, crazy, cunning, wrong. Whatever comes along, the heart stays strong. “Stupid rhymes…cut it!”

Time to go to the post office…to “release” my album. Nice thing to have some people out there at least expecting it. Yeah…a walk in the rain again…with Stina’s music this time.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Scene19




"Rain" was unheardof in Los Angeles till two days ago. It started with drizzles and orchestrated into pours. I stayed in the office all day, unaware of the outdoor drama. And it didn't even ring any bell when I walked out to James Bridge Theater to watch this very mesmerizing movie: Undertow.A very impressive film. In two seconds I realized it was Philip Glass' music and I was excited. A very simple tale. Combination of themes and feelings. Emotions that unravel afterwards. No wonder it's named "undertow". It reminded me of "Fargo" and "White Oleander".

Soon enough I was outside the theater witnessing this heavy rain. It didn't seem like temporary. People gathered here and there to wait. Those lucky guys spread their umbrellas and left. Some at least pulled on their hood. I got my headphones on my head, not a protection but a to-be-protected. I was a little worried. Strangely enough I had the soundtrack CD "Blue" in my player and it was the strong tragic music that stayed with me all the time. Who said it wisely that tragedy is strength...I wondered...as I started darting into the rain and confronting the icy breezy drops, incessantly. I managed to turn up the volume of "Blue", and ran with almost full force towards Chemistry Building. When I finally got back into my office, soaked, I couldn't tell if the water comes from the rain or my sweat.


And I drove in this heavy rain to Tower Records, Sunset. A very impressive drive, almost like the Jurassic ride in Universal Studio. The only difference was I could in my car play the music I wanted, rather than the roaring of people behind me. Trucks passed me by splashing water onto my car roof, and I felt for one second like in a submarine. The streets were all blurred, like the impressionism paintings that I don't know the names of. I managed to watch for all the red lights, make every smooth stop, and reach Tower Sunset as if it was the Motel in "Psycho". (Man with all those neon lights, I was fooled for a sec.) And I picked up Brightman's new DVD, plus a surprising Jeff Buckley live album.




And I got home safe, cold, happy. I could still feel the running rain over my body with "Blue" music surrounding me. A time of fulfillment. A true dreamy reality. How could I resist that. I made some Chai Tea with ginger to warm up, and thought about the three songs that came to my head during the day. I had the lyrics ready, but...maybe I'll rehearse it tomorrow, thought I, since on such a rainy night there were already plenty of reasons to feel fulfilled, realized, or even surrealized. And I closed the night with the RW concert DVD, feeling comfortable, a little lonely, and tons of gratitude for the rain, for the night.

Friday, October 15, 2004

迷路




And I started writing these little tunes. After covering too many good songs. Songs that bring up not just memories, but future.

迷路
10-14-04

早晨的阳光透进窗户
远方也许会有雾
迟迟地爬起 准备上路
再静静地等待下午

出门的人生是一条高速
迎来送往 早已麻木
错过的出口 如今谁来告诉
耽误的行程 如何弥补

没有你我会迷路 路标牌来不及解读
没人帮我换上太阳镜 我无法承受这亮度
没有你我会迷路 方向早已稀里糊涂
走错的辛苦 失速的恐怖 自己 吞下肚

没有你我会迷路 终点已不知去处
窗外的车流集体超速 脚下竟如此无助
没有你我会迷路 开到熄火才能停驻
因为我的牌照 名叫义无反顾


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

After all – was it all?



It was the hardest drive ever for me.

Coming back from the airport, seeing all the palm trees in their indifferent glitters, passing through shops and restaurants that seemed all so different just twelve days ago, my last strain gave away and I could hold nothing back. When I entered 405North there weren't many cars, unlike last time. And in just one second, my eyes were seriously dampened, my throat started to hum a monotonous sound. And I saw headlights coming from the opposite track, all blurred and fuzzy; they looked like jellyfish in the ocean. Floating and floating, as I blinked. I was seeing jellyfish, thought I, I was in a deep dark ocean, an ocean where the only liquid is watery salty sadness, and the only music is from the man who cried. I had stopped the CD player a long time ago. I stopped it the minute I got out of the terminal and into my little driving seat. Even Toni Braxton sounds too much on a night like this. I can't take any melodies any more.

Though with all these feelings tearing me up I managed to find the right freeway exit and got home. Fifteen minutes' drive felt like for ever. And after I turned the key, entered the room and tuned the light on, I looked around for a moment just to believe that I was by myself now…or from now on. It's tough to believe, maybe even tougher than a religion.

I went into the bedroom, and collapsed onto the pillow. Three years back I fell from my chair onto the floor, so it's a little better this time that I landed at least on something soft. But I was loud. So loud that I think my upstairs neighbor was annoyed because I could tell from their footsteps. The crying went on for a few minutes only, guess I was tired. Trust me crying is more strenuous than singing. But…what about a combo? So I pulled myself up and started nailing the intro of 事过境迁 . Once again these chords and lyrics deceived me, and by the second verse I was all rumbling in who knows what kind of voice.
那一些笑 那一些泪
那一些错 那一些对
你的等待我的坚决 却输给真实世界
笑吧 抹去眼里的泪
事过境迁 就不该后悔
After two songs I was really exhausted. Yet it horrified me to turn off the light and sleep. So I copied onto my hard drive part of the DVD video that my computer refused to read, and started watching. Getting me tired was almost the only way to eradicate sadness temporarily.

And I slept. I woke up only once in the middle. And I said to myself, at least I'm sleeping better now…

In the morning it started to get chilly. It's mid October already there're plenty of excuses for the weather to change. But what about the heart. What about the temperature of memories…realizing that home was a scary place to be at this point, I abandoned my original plan for cleaning up/cooking and got ready to go to school. There was pleasant sunlight, and the right amount of clouds. Shall I look at clouds from both sides now? Shall I look at love from both sides now? Or do I really not know life….at all…..

Around 3PM I started checking on Cathay Pacific website for flight info. Two hours later he wrote me, landed. He hoped I wasn't feeling too bad. I said I was doing OK. After that horrible drive from the airport nothing could be too bad. There are too many things to take care of and too many reasons to live on. Maybe even a little hope that this is not the end.

I went to see the first Melnitz screening of this quarter. A dark comedy, full of laughters. Eulogy. Great thing they brought the two little twin actors to the screening too. A fun watch. Afterwards I headed home. I knew it was going to be tough again, yet I took it come what may. 11PM. About one minute after I entered the room the phone rang. He's at home now. We talked for around five minutes. He sounds pretty calm and a little tired. On my side? Relief. Happy. Woe from total detachment. And tremendous loss. I put on the "Coffee and Cigarettes" DVD and watched a while. Then I went to sleep quickly. And I didn't wake up at all until this morning. A chilly autumn morning. But it was a wonderful sleep.



Was is all, said I, was it all? I hated myself for being incapable of directing my residence at this point of my life. I feel like a floating bottle on the sea and accidentally collided onto a rock. Yet the wind and water still pushes me on. Farther and farther away from that rock, so smooth and beautiful, almost like an amethyst. But it shouldn't be totally impossible to hit again, thought I, with the water drying up and the wind slowing down. Or maybe the amethyst would choose to float too, by the end of the day, when the sun sets, and the starlight burns out kisses of happiness. Our happiness.